I have not expressed how I felt with anyone because 1. why would I 2. I just don’t want to and 3. I don’t know who to talk to at this point. SO i am writing it on Tumblr……
Last week one of my good friends committed suicide. He relapsed and I am assuming he was really high when he did it because who the fuck would jump off a bridge, with oncoming traffic, at 3 in the afternoon? I was moving my mom that night. My best friend texted me the news and I didn’t believe her. I called her and she confirmed that it was true. My heart dropped. Lawrence was there too, which fucking sucked because the whole time I wanted him to comfort me but he didn’t.
One thing that i have noticed is that ever since Ian passed, I have been noticing….things….a lot more. Every-time I walk outside, I smile every single time because I know that everything is connected in some beautiful way. I can just feel Ian’s energy floating around me. I have been observing more and more and I love this feeling. I trying to keep this feeling because it makes me happy.
Last week my yoga teacher adopted me. I am really happy that we did it because i feel complete with having a mother in my life. With Shannon adopting me, there was obviously a lot of drama. This one girl was being such a bitch to both her and I. Like a COMPLETE bitch . I was so hurt because the day we made it legal, she kicked me off the teaching schedule for the festival. But then two hours later she told me I could do it…… I declined because why the fuck would I want to work with someone who is so vicious towards me? NO THANKS. On top of all that, THAT SAME FUCKING DAY, my dad found out I blocked him on Facebook. He thought that I was trying to hide the adoption from him. However, I wasn’t trying to hide anything. I told him all about it weeks ago and it made him very upset , but i didn’t and still don’t give a fuck. I felt so bad that I blocked him in the first place. I guess… no I KNOW for a fact that I was trying to push him away. I am so scared that he is going to hurt me again. What i did was stupid and irresponsible , but i didn’t know how to push him away correctly….so i did that. He hasn’t talked to me in a week and I am shattered because when no one else is there, he was the one I could count on.
I’ve been going out on small dinner dates , that mean absolutely nothing to me. I realized that the reason why I am going on these dates is because I am trying to hide my emotions from this fucking breakup. Three crazy, beautiful years with my best friend and then I decide to break it off. What hurts me the most is that when I call him, he sounds so happy. Don’t get me wrong, I am so happy he’s happy , but part of me wants him to be happy with me. I just want everything to be perfect again. WHY THE FUCK DID I BREAK UP WITH HIM. I mean yes people have their flaws , but he really made me love myself. He made me realize that I was worth something. He made me realize that I am capable of being someone. I miss him so much. His fucking birthday is this Thursday too. I wanted to send him a care-package, but that’s too much. I do have gifts for him tho. I still love him. I love him so much. I just want to kiss him. I love the 26 lines on his lips, the scars on left his knee, his big palms, I just love him. I miss him. I miss him so much. Everytime I go somewhere , I always think of him. I always say ” Wow he would love this” or “I want to bring him here”. Like today I went on this epic hike with my friends and while hiking i was like “damn this is a perfect hammock spot for dean and I” LIKE WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY. I miss the times where we would hike for hours, i miss the times where we would just walk over to the field and read, I miss the times where we posted my hammock outside and we went inside of it , cuddled, talked and made each other laugh for hours on end. This breakup is making me realize that he was the best person in my entire life. I really hope we can work this out and get back together. god do i love him. I really fucking love him.
I’ve been losing myself and it’s scary because I don’t know what I’m losing myself TO. I’ve been wanting to drink more , smoke a bit, trip , and just do everything I use to do. Old habits are coming back and it’s scaring me. This is all just so weird to me because I have been enjoying my life , but sometimes it gets really hard. I feel like I have no one.
I tried to hide my feelings about everything for so fucking long….. i want people to think i am strong. But i can’t hide my emotions any longer… they are slowly coming out and I am not ready for any of this.
Someone , please love me. I don’t know how to love myself.
Fuck this is so accurate.